The Man Crush 2.0

Ah the school yard crush – what a magnificent thing. When I was 5 years old working my way diligently through the 1st grade I met a girl - Mindy McAlister. She was fantastic, my first official crush. She had it all – shiny hair, a big smile, and a blue bedazzled jacket she wore every Monday. Of course she was way out of my league, Mindy could already tie her shoes by herself, hang upside down from the monkey bars with no hands, and say the entire alphabet successfully (at least 50% of the time anyway).

Yes she was the perfect woman, but as with all crushes the changing of the seasons brought about new options and my eye began to wander. Sarah Jones kicked my shin on the playground shortly before Christmas break and with that, I was over Mindy. Sarah remained my primary crush until the summer – when she moved. Of course both Mindy and Sarah were tainted with girl coodies so my crushes never materialized into anything further then glances across the classroom and name-calling.

Discipline: Colin Campbell Style

Through some careful digging online I was able to obtain a copy of the transcript for a meeting between NHL Deputy Commissioner Bill Daly and lead disciplinarian Colin Campbell regarding Daniel Briere’s most recent suspension. The Flyers center was given 3 games in the press box for a stick swinging incident with Islanders forward Franz Nielsen.

Daly: Coly, after reviewing the game tape of the incident last night I think you need to come down hard on Briere. A substantial punishment will show the players that we are serious about protecting their safety. The stick is a weapon and I don’t think all of our players understand the danger it can pose to others.

Campbell: I completely agree Bill. Downright cowardly what Danny did. After a faceoff Nielsen had no way to protect himself and was at serious risk of being injured. To make matters worse the Flyers were on a 5 on 3 power play, meaning the Islanders had no way to defend themselves.

A Possible New Home for the Coyotes?

After another successful European sojourn to begin the NHL season, I find myself wondering if this is the solution to the League's problem of what to do with the Coyotes -

 
After all, why should Habs fans be the only ones who get to burn cars when their team loses?

How Burke and Wilson Decided Who Plays in Our Bottom Six

With Nazem Kadri likely missing his opportunity to start the season on the big club, there's an opening in the lineup that Burke and Wilson likely weren't expecting.  There are a few candidates 'on the bubble' for roster spots and with little to choose between them, here are some of the ways that Burke and Wilson have tried to resolve the conflict.

What they tried:  Wilson and Burke each flipped a dime.  If the coins yielded the same result Brent would stay, if opposite then Mitchell would stay.
Why it failed:  Patrick Kane punched them both and took the change.

What they tried:  Wanting more size in their bottom six, Burke decided to use height as the determining factor.
Why it failed:  The measuring tape they used was taken from the Montreal Canadiens dressing room and was only 5'5" long.

Ten Things Brian Burke is Sick of Hearing About

Brian Burke is a patient man.  Just kidding, he's Irish.  Despite clear frustration at times, he's answered every question the media has thrown at him during what was expected to be a busy off-season but ended up being largely a uneventful one.

Here is a list of the top ten questions Burke is sick of answering:

10)  Do you think you have too many defensemen?  No, I don't.  I think we don't have enough forwards.

9)  Why didn't you sign Bill Sweatt?  We tried, he priced himself off this team.  Our offer was 'generous' he's just a jackass.

Gone Fishing: A Week of Conversation Between Burke and Nonis

Our beloved GM recently returned from his annual fishing trip where there was reportedly no phone reception, no fax reception, no internet reception and generally no way for him to execute business of any kind.

With him was his second-in-command, Dave Nonis. If you've ever gone on a trip with a co-worker then you know that no matter how hard you try not to 'talk shop', invariably a great deal of your time is spent doing just that. Here are some of the talks they may have had.

Day 1

Burke: So we're pretty stacked on D.
Nonis: Yup.
Burke: What do you think we should do?
Nonis: Trade one for a forward?
Burke: That's why you make GM money.

Day 2

Burke: Dion Phaneuf is one mean motherf...
Nonis: I think I've got a bite.
Burke: Anaheim finally cracked on Ryan?
Nonis: No, a fish.
Burke: Right. Seriously though, maybe if we take back Blake and Lupul's contracts we could land this guy.
Nonis: Think ownership will let us bury that much money?
Burke: I've already put out a hit on Peddie. We should be ok.

Day 3

Burke: What do you think of Gustavsson?
Nonis: He's good.
Burke: What do you think of Rynnas?
Nonis: He's good.
Burke: What do you think of Reimer?
Nonis: He's good.
Burke: Haha Flyers.

Day 4

Burke: Just got off the phone with Schenn. He says he's in the best shape of his life.
Nonis: Uhh, I thought you weren't getting reception.
Burke: No, that was a lie.
Nonis: You lie?
Burke: You should really start paying attention.

Day 5

Nonis: So, where are we sending Kaberle?
Burke: Nowhere.
Nonis: Nowhere?
Burke: Nowhere.
Nonis: ...
Burke: We'll sign him to a home team discount contract and ship him at the deadline. Stupid bastard wont know what hit him.
Nonis: ...
Burke: Wakeup Dave -- I told you to start paying attention.

There you have it folks -- the Leafs' plan for the rest of the offseason before your eyes.

Pronger out of Tonight's Game with 'Hurt Feelings'

Philadelphia Flyers defensive stalwart Chris Pronger, who was listed as day-to-day with what he described as "hurt feelings", will miss tonight's game 6 against the Chicago Blackhawks.

Following an abysmal game 5 performance Pronger was seen weeping quietly in a corner of the team locker room. Upon catching wind of the scene, Captain Mike Richards was heard saying, "Dammit Pronger!"

"It's tough," Pronger said after the game, "you tell a guy right before the playoffs that blindside hits to the head are illegal. How's a player supposed to adjust in so little time?"

Pronger's distress was clearly exacerbated by the younger members of the Flyers' leadership core calling him names such as "poo-face" and "Grouchy McBeaverteeth".

When told that Pronger would be kept out of the game many Hawks players were taken by surprise. "Yeah, I'm a little surprised," said Jonathan Toews, "I mean, I know Kaner didn't invite him to his post-game limo ride but it was only because he figured Prongs' wife wouldn't let him go. No hard feelings."

Easy for Toews to say -- he gets invited everywhere.

Mike Richards, in an unparalleled act of leadership, has offered to tuck Pronger in for a full week and read him his favorite Robert Munsch books until he falls asleep.

"Yeah, obviously I'd rather be partying with university students but he's a hell of a hockey player -- what can you do?"

Even this was not enough to repair Pronger's damaged pride and it appears that if the Flyers are going to force a game 7, it will be without their big man on defense.

Habs Lose, Montreal Burns

Following tonight's defeat at the hands of the Philadelphia Flyers, Canadiens fans took to the streets of Montreal in a fit of rage.

"I just can't believe it," said one fan, "I really thought Gomez would be the difference this year."

The scene in the city could only be described as apocalyptic as buildings were burned, cars overturned and puppies kicked. Store owners flocked to the street in an effort to salvage their property. "Back in my day it was all looting and vandalism," uttered one vendor, "this I can understand. Lighting things on fire? That's taking things too far."

The mob claimed that they never meant to burn anything and insisted that the fires were started as Carey Price discarded the thirty-five cigarettes he was smoking at the time. Investigations are ongoing.

Brooks Laich: Better than the Habs, Even in Defeat

Last week, following his team’s game 7 defeat at the hands of the Montreal Canadiens, Brooks Laich demonstrated why hockey players are among the most selfless and humble athletes in the world. Well, most of them anyway. Laich stopped and spent just under an hour helping the Wangemann family change a flat tire on their van. Here’s an account of what else happened that evening prior to Laich’s heroics.

1) Brian Gionta drove past the Wangemanns. While he would have been willing to help them out, he realizes that changing a tire on an automobile isn’t the same as changing a tire on his Barbie “Jammin’ Jeep” Power Wheel.

2) The Kostitsyns offer the Wangemanns roadside ‘protection’ for a nominal fee. After they respectfully declined, Andrei broke the window of the van and declared they would be back later.

3) Seeing the family standing near him in a huddled semi-circle, Carey Price got angry and shot a puck at them.

4) Scott Gomez offered the family below average assistance for $8 million a year in perpetuity.

5) Upon seeing an immobile vehicle after a Canadiens game, a collection of Habs fans gathered in a mob and tried to burn it.

6) Finally, Laich was not the first altruistic Washington Capital on the scene. Alexander Semin saw the family in distress and decided to try and help them change the tire. After 44 fruitless attempts he was left to pound the wheel like a bongo in frustration.