Friday, October 1, 2010

How Burke and Wilson Decided Who Plays in Our Bottom Six

With Nazem Kadri likely missing his opportunity to start the season on the big club, there's an opening in the lineup that Burke and Wilson likely weren't expecting.  There are a few candidates 'on the bubble' for roster spots and with little to choose between them, here are some of the ways that Burke and Wilson have tried to resolve the conflict.

What they tried:  Wilson and Burke each flipped a dime.  If the coins yielded the same result Brent would stay, if opposite then Mitchell would stay.
Why it failed:  Patrick Kane punched them both and took the change.

What they tried:  Wanting more size in their bottom six, Burke decided to use height as the determining factor.
Why it failed:  The measuring tape they used was taken from the Montreal Canadiens dressing room and was only 5'5" long.

What they tried:  A simple shooting contest from the hashmarks where the first to have their shot stopped by the goalie went to the Marlies.
Why it failed:  The goalie was Vesa Toskala.

What they tried: A simple game of heads or tails.
Why it failed: Chris Neil snatched the coin in mid air and intends to use it to ward off bankruptcy.

What they tried:  Trading one or both of them to the Calgary Flames.
Why it failed:  The Leafs couldn't fit Iginla under the cap.

What they tried:  Keeping the player that showed a greater level of community involvement.
Why it failed:  Dan Ellis got to them first and reminded them how hard it can be out there for multi-millionaires.  Maybe the community should be serving them.

What they tried:  In an effort to make a truly truculent bottom six, Burke brought in Matt Carkner to fight each of them, with the most convincing winner getting the roster spot.
Why it failed:  Colton Orr got to him first and Carkner hasn't been seen since.

What they tried: Asking Cliff Fletcher which guy to keep.
Why it failed: Fletcher claimed to have "never heard of Brent Mitchell and just who exactly are you anyway?"

What they tried:  Running a one hour 'decision special' on ESPN.
Why it failed:  Wilson and Burke realized that no dignified sport would tolerate that kind of self- aggrandizing.

What they tried:  Taking the physically stronger of the two players.
Why it failed:  It was determined that Damien Cox would baselessly accuse the winner of using performance enhancing drugs.


Leafschatter said...

Uh oh....there goes your press box pass.

Anonymous said...


Curt S said...

@ anonymous

I can only assume that you're laughing at Leafschatter's assumption that I have a presspass.

Leafschatter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leafschatter said...

Curt S. I am sure this isn't the first time you have lost your "future" press box pass.

Deleted previous comment because of "butter fingers"

Leaf.Fan.Gordo said...

You guys should do more humour. You're really good at it.